


Donna ni Hanaretetatte Soba ni Iru Kara (No matter how far apart we are I'll always be at your side)

by vogue91



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, Rejection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Fourteen years.It had been fourteen years since I’ve first met him.Thinking back about that time of my life, I felt like smiling. Before reminding that there was really little to smile about.





	Donna ni Hanaretetatte Soba ni Iru Kara (No matter how far apart we are I'll always be at your side)

Fourteen years.

It had been fourteen years since I’ve first met him.

Thinking back about that time of my life, I felt like smiling. Before reminding that there was really little to smile about.

 

_“Takizawa-kun, please!”_

_“What the hell do you see in him anyway? If you care so much about it, go and introduce yourself.”_

_“I... I can’t... please!”_

_Takizawa had looked at him, both impatient and curious._

_That kid who looked to tame, could really be stubborn when he wanted to._

_“Fine, fine. If you insist, I’ll introduce you to him.” he had given in, annoyed._

Years later, I thought it would’ve been better if Tackey hadn’t granted my wish.

I would’ve met him anyway sooner or later, I would’ve gotten to know him, I would’ve kept admiring him from afar.

And perhaps I would’ve never fallen in love with him.

Perhaps I would’ve spared myself the sleepless nights, I would’ve spared myself all the bitterness, the disappointed hopes.

Perhaps we wouldn’t have become the strangers we are now.

And all because of me, because I’ve never been able to lie.

I wanted to scream every time I met him, wanted to tell him I loved him, that I had always loved him. And I couldn’t stand that weight, especially after the debut, when he had gotten so dam _close._

 

_“Sakurai-kun?” the younger said. His eyes were low, but Sho could see him frowning, his face tormented._

_He tilted his head, surprised._

_“What’s happened, Matsujun?” he asked, curious._

_Matsumoto had a whole speech prepared in his mind. He had had eight long years to choose his words carefully, to make Sho understand his point of view, for him to understand how he actually felt for him._

_Eight years, went to the devils in a moment, that second too much where Jun had let out that feeling he kept inside far too long._

_“Sho-kun... I love you.” he had said, then had closed his eyes right away for fear that the other boy was going to laugh, to scream, to send him away, saying that he didn’t want to see him anymore._

_When the wait was unsatisfied, he dared to glimpse at the elder, finding a pillar of salt in front of him._

_He was frozen._

_He stared at Jun as if he didn’t know the boy in front of him, as if his eyes went through him._

_As if he couldn’t truly see him._

We hadn’t talked about it anymore.

He had muttered a little convinced ‘I’m sorry’ and had left the room, looking astonished at me.

And that very same I’m sorry were the last words I hear him say to me for a long time.

Days, weeks, months... until ignoring each other had become a bitter routine.

During the TV shows, the concerts, the interviews, every chance we were forced to be close, the tension was clear between us. The others had pretended not to notice for a while, but in the end even they couldn’t stand anymore that ridiculous situation.

 

_“Well, can you please tell me what’s going on?” Aiba had asked them._

_They were getting ready for the G no Arashi; Sakurai and Matsumoto, at the two opposite corners of the room, turned at the same time to look at him. The youngest blushed and turned away, trying to ignore him._

_Sakurai, on his part, smiled to his friend._

_“Nothing happened, Aiba. Why should you think there’s something wrong?”_

_Aiba had looked at him frustrated while Nino, sitting on the couch, had made a sarcastic sound._

_“Nothing. We thought there was something wrong about the fact that you and Jun don’t talk to each other, but clearly we were wrong.” he had said, ironical._

_No one had answered him, and the discussion had died there._

I remembered that in that moment I felt Ohno’s stare on me.

He hadn’t said a thing, just like it was expected from him, but it didn’t mean he hadn’t noticed anything.

A few nights later he had asked if I felt like going out with him to drink something, and I had naively accepted.

It had been then that he had gotten everything out of me, that he had made me tell what had happened, that he had let me vent.

Not that it had taken much effort on his part to break the levee.

He had just sat in front of me, sipping his cocktail, never tearing his eyes off of me. Until I had given up.

It had been freeing, somehow. Even when the intoxication due to the too much sake I had drunk had gone away, I hadn’t felt any regrets.

I was glad I had someone to talk to, glad I wasn’t forced to hide behind my silence anymore.

He hadn’t said much, but I didn’t really need words, just of a friend. I didn’t want to hear that everything was going to be fine, because I knew it wasn’t. My love for Sho wasn’t going to go away, just like that atrocious awkwardness wasn’t.

But, at some point, I had decided I should’ve done something to make it better. It had been too long since the last time I had actually talked to him, aside from work.

Years.

Just thinking about it made that sharp pain in my chest reappear, the one I knew I was never going to get completely out of myself.

 

_“Sho-kun?” the younger called._

_Sho was sitting on the couch, reading a script and waiting for the shooting to start. He raised his eyes, slowly. He looked around, as if he thought that Matsumoto wasn’t really talking to him._

_“Tell me.” he said then, cautious. Jun sat at the other end of the couch, distant as much as the situation required._

_“We haven’t talked in three years.” he just said, and that sentence alone was explicative in itself. Sho sighed, averting his eyes._

_“I know. I... I’m sorry.” he bit his lip, undecided as to how to go on. “What you said to me... I didn’t know how to react. Then the rest has come like that. I didn’t want to make you nor I feel awkward. I know it’s probably wrong, but after all perhaps it’s been the best solution to... well, to avoid you to suffer.” he almost whispered the last words, and Jun felt his heart shrinking. ._

_He wanted to get angry, to break something, to hit him._

_Because there was no possible way he was ever going to avoid being in pain._

_But, after all, he also knew it wasn’t Sho’s fault._

_He smiled, then, faker than he was already used to._

_“Don’t worry, I know. It has been a solution until now, but... it’s been a really long time, I think we don’t have any reason anymore to not talk to each other. We trouble the others, we hinder our work and then, well...” he didn’t have the courage to go on, so Sho took the chance._

_“I miss talking to you too.” he said, smiling. An honest smile, that however was gone too soon. “But I don’t want it for you to be a weight, talking to me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to, or that you do it because of work. If it hurts, I...” Jun stopped him._

_“Don’t worry. Like I said, it’s been a long time. I don’t feel anything for you anymore.”_

I had said many lies in my life.

I had said everything was alright, and it wasn’t true.

I had said I was happy, and it wasn’t true.

I had said I liked my life just as it was, and it wasn’t true.

I had said Sho I didn’t love him anymore... and it wasn’t even close to be true.

And yet, the moment I had said that to him, I had felt weird: I felt the weight of the lie, and yet somehow I felt relieved.

I had partly managed to remedy the mistake I had made years before, when I had innocently confessed my love for him.

The regret I felt had suddenly become smaller.

It was still there, alive and kicking, but I knew I could do nothing to erase it.

I had rather save what still was left of my relationship with him, instead of constantly have him around knowing I couldn’t talk to him without seeing the guilt deep in his eyes.

I had decided that it wasn’t fair for Sho to bear the weight of that love that was never going to be corresponded.

 

~

 

“Ohayou gozaimasu!” Sho said, getting inside the green room.

I smiled to him, greeting him back.

It was all like before.

We laughed and joked together, from time to time we brought up some story about when we still were juniors, having fun remembering those moments. We went out to dinner or get some drinks, alone or with the others. Without feeling anymore the weight of those silences that fell between us, unavoidable.

It was like those years had suddenly been erased by my lie, and I was fine with that.

The only thing that hadn’t really changed, was Ohno’s stare on me.

 

_“So... you told him you don’t love him?” the Riida asked him, serious._

_Jun sighed before answering. A sigh that already let the other know what had happened._

_“It’s better this way, Ohno. It’s less troubling for him and for you all as well.”_

_“What about you?”_

_Matsumoto bit his lip, hesitating._

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

_Anybody else would’ve rebelled to such a statement, but Ohno knew Jun enough and respected his decisions to not reply._

_“You still love him, don’t you?”_

_Jun laughed. Just for a moment. Bitterly._

_“I always will.”_

I wasn’t going to save myself from that love.

Not anymore.

I was going to keep loving Sakurai Sho.

I was going to be close to him, forever. Knowing I was too damn far; I was going to settle for that.

In silence.


End file.
